Portion of my Spiritual Mani 3-19-15

Soak: I feel undeserving of complete happiness at times, because it truly hasn't been something I've experienced. I've always second guessed myself in every way possible. I have a fear of being great. I want more from life, yet I find it difficult to give more of myself because I feel I have given all of me to the wrong things in life. I can't seem to stay above the water and out of trouble, even when I am not doing things. I am truly troubled within, so it is easy for trouble to surround me, but I am not allowing it tot overtake me. I am restless, yet I sleep hard waking up to need some real peace. I realize that I have psychological eating disorder. I feel it acceptable to go without eating because it has become apart of me. I don't throw up or binge. I just don't eat till it hurts physically. I often times allow my misfortunes to determine how I treat myself. I love me but I am not sure how to show myself the love I deserve because I feel so empty from giving so much to others for so long but never receiving anything to build on myself up. I spread myself too thin over places which are not fertile.

Scrub: I need to forgive my mom. She wanted me to be respectful so anytime I'd start to feel pretty or special she'd "put me in my place." This made me feel like it was wrong for me to think highly of myself. My mother did not make me feel this way, this feeling is the result of the way I processed her correction. Her correction taught me to be respectful no matter how I looked because beauty comes from the inside out, not the other way around. The ugliness that comes out of your mouth is what stains my beauty. I forgive myself in this misunderstanding, my taking stern correction further than what it was intended.
I also need to forgive my father. I took his absence personal and I never should have done that. I wish to God I knew how to discern the things in my childhood that had nothing and everything to do with me, and act accordingly. I wish that I was taught to think the way that I  wrote in my book, but I am happy that in some wild abstract way, I learned it.
I am an abstract learner... obviously, is that medically documented??? I have no idea. but if not, I have just discovered it, and it is all mine. Self discovery in scrubbing is everything!

Push Back the cuticles: The truth is being me is not a task, a burden, nor a crime, it is a gift which I have been granted to call my present each and everyday of my life.  I felt like all those negative things growing up, because my parents weren't able to provide me with things that amounted up to the others around me, but they provided me with what they did that made me who I am today. Now, I may not be rich but I am intelligent, and a great human being with frabjous characteristics. No I am not perfect, but I am honest in my imperfection, which makes me a lot better than others, who lie and are hypocritical. I accept people for who they are and don't hold them up to the same rule as I do myself because they are not me, and although we share the likeness of human body, functions, and capabilities they will never be me nor I them, so right is right in my book and right is right in theirs and so long as their right doesn't intrude me and my right in the wrong direction we can live happily in harmony.

Cut my cuticules: I need to stop being afraid to approach and address others on my own accord without fear. I personally live in a world where if I don't make an attempt to have interaction with the world, I really don't have to. It's one of the after shocks of living a life in secret depression. It comes from pushing so much out and holding no one close... throwing the baby out with the bathwater so to say.  Sometimes human interaction is hard because trusting people to be someone you want them to be is wrong and trusting them to be who they are going to be regardless of your expectations is right, yet feeling like your life's right and wrong have to be influenced by them is totally beyond our comprehension. We are taught that manipulation is wrong, yet manipulating silver, gold and other precious metals is a very trouble some task which brings forth valuable pieces of adornment. It is not the manipulating that is wrong yet the opposite is true, the right and wrong of manipulation is solely based on the motive and intention of the manipulator and the lasting affect on the manipulated and those on who depend on them. I need to live in accepting that since my motive is pure, it is okay and good to manipulate good things to happen for me, for those choose to participate and those who depend on them. I accept that the greatest gift I have is the power of positive manipulation. Positive manipulation is mine too... don't know if that's documented, but I documented it... you can't have it...